The better option?

Culturally, we are afraid of stepping outside of comfort zones in Kolkata. We have become conditioned to it. Our trusting, welcoming attitude has led us to misery, grief, colonization and even slavery through generations. So we pendulum swing to the opposite direction. We mistrust everything. 

Fitness may be trending around the world. Not so in Kolkata. Despite the rise of lifestyle diseases like high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes around us, few wish to listen to reason. "No time, no time, very, very busy", many tell me, as they rush to get away. Ignorance, it seems, is bliss. Knowing means worrying, several say. Many, well aware of their unfit condition, hide their embarrassment behind ire. 

Ensconced in comfortable lifestyles, most people don't want their boat rocked. So what if they are a little bit overweight, a little bit diabetic and have a little bit of high blood pressure? Nothing has broken yet, so what is there to fix? A middle-aged man with a prominent midline spread claims he's very fit. The young mother piling on the pounds post-pregnancy, claims she already has too much to do. Thus, lifestyle diseases are left to fester as they will. Until medical assistance is unavoidable.

Generally, it is frustrating to campaign for social awareness of health and fitness in this scenario. Nevertheless, I notice a slight movement away from the stonewalling mindset - among the ageing population. They are tired, they say, of having to reach for meds to keep going. They like the idea of being healthy and active, medicine-free. Fitness fits their happy requirement!

Generational break

Brexit has sent shockwaves around the world! In this vote to embrace change, the outpouring of angst is from the young people. After four decades of same old, same old, one might have expected them to welcome change. But no, the older age groups dream of new reality outside of the EU!

Millennials have taken to the streets in protest. Bucketfuls of ketchup underscore the verdict as a "bloody joke"! This generation thrives in Diversity, and on foreign soil. Now they face uncertainties. They perceive the country turning inwards culturally. The outrage is at its becoming isolationist. They fear their world shrinking down to one small island. 

Baby Boomers spearheaded the concept of globalization some decades ago. Then they advocated open borders - but for business purposes. The migration of other nationalities into their world was perhaps never considered. Now they fear cultural invasions, and Brexit presents opportunity to reclaim their distinct national identity.

The two generations, once close because of globalization, now plant in opposing camps. The bonhomie is lost. Bitter political rhetoric stokes differing views of the concept to ignite the fears for the future.

In a tv discussion after the referendum, the hostility was apparent. While a young millennial guest spoke her piece, an older fellow guest repeatedly interrupted her flow to question her stand. Clearly incensed, she vented that, as the privileged white male whose generation had already taken away their future, he now wanted to also take away her airtime! 

From across the world, it appears as if the advocates of the change did not themselves believe in Brexit actually coming to pass. Now that they have it, there is backpedaling on claims. Most importantly, they seem at a loss for plans to consolidate and take forward the change.

Consequences to the verdict, however, were immediate. Many that had voted swayed by emotions, regret the outcome.The markets fell. The currency value reached its lowest in three decades. Investors grew jittery. Some trading had to be suspended. Scotland wants independence. EU leaders adopt a hard line. And then at Euro 2016, England falls to shock defeat against tiny Iceland...

Social attitude and family reality

Children in traditional India lead more sheltered lives than their counterparts elsewhere. Helicopter parents control the purse strings and their lives. It is social duty to do so, because they are judged by their children’s achievements. But family structure is rapidly changing in today’s India, and so must the social attitudes.

Education is priority over everything else. The family’s social recognition depends upon results - how the children do in the high school Board Exams, in college, in university and so on. The parents want their children to go up in the world, hence, the proper exposure is of paramount important. From middle school itself, extracurricular activities or vacations are sacrificed for coaching classes to prepare the children for the next step in life. There is no let up to keeping noses to the grindstone. It is for their good they are told, for their future.

The transition from high school to college is most stressful, especially for the parents. Adolescents beginning to explore the world outside without supervision is concerning, because who knows what influences will be picked up to alienate them from cultural family values! 

A teenager, Runu, stands on this threshold. Much time is spent in weighing the pros and cons of the different institutions. On the one hand, there is a far-away governmental institution, where costs are subsidized. For the adolescent, it is opportunity to be free of parental supervisions. On the other hand, staying in the city brings down establishment costs, but extends the parental watch. And it means attendance at a more expensive private institution; hence more strain on parental resources, because the children are still economically dependent. 

The immediate family and the social circle of involved relatives and friends agonize over the course of action for college admissions, reminiscent of the joint family structure of days gone by in India. Where siblings and cousins were brought up together, with several generations living under the same roof, it was not customary for the individual to think or act independently. 

 

Westernization and the partition of the country destroyed the joint family social unit, and instead, small, independent nuclear units became standard. The circle of people involved in decision-making became smaller, restricted to parents and their children. However, older age groups sometimes behave as though the traditional collectivism continues, whereby somebody’s business is everybody’s business.

In my opinion, young people need to make their own choice in the matter of their future. Runu should not feel pushed to live out somebody else’s dream, and later blame them for it. He needs to discover what his aptitude and interest pointed to, and state them clearly. I insist to his parents that they let him do so and support him to their best ability, and not the other way around. My input bases on the experience of another family, traumatized by change.

Fact is the social unit is again in transition. The education and employment of women has put them in touch with their own identity, as distinct from husband or family. There is power struggle in the home. Men may want to continue with things as they were, but women are less tolerant of second-class citizenship within the home. Consequently, separations and divorce have risen sharply.

The new family unit then is becoming parent-and-child/children, and the parent mostly, is the mother. A matrimonial bond is traditionally supposed to last seven lifetimes; hence a fragmentary family is an affront to social attitudes, and bias is clear. Social sympathy sides with the man, and the social circle is more concerned with his needs. The woman is generally blamed for the failure; kinship support deserts her. The responsibility of child upbringing remains hers, nevertheless.

Shibani is such a single mother and Santanu, her only son. Since she is also the breadwinner now, she opts to send the boy to a military boarding school. In the absence of the father as a role model, she reasons, the school training would instill discipline in his life. His mother doesn’t have the time to hover, and all she can do was to keep track of academic results.

She dreams of a far better future for them, expects him to achieve certain targets, and he consistently delivers. But her goals are those that society values. She looked forward to him becoming a doctor, or an engineer. Only his success in life will assuage the pain and guilt she is burdened with over the breakup of her marriage and the family unit.

Unfortunately, Shantanu dreams different from his mother. Neither medicine nor engineering interest him. That his aspirations are quite in another direction, he doesn’t share. Shantanu had learned early to look after himself and appears quite self-sufficient. However, he has withdrawn into himself and shares little of his thoughts and aspirations with others. He also trusts none - least of all, the adults in his life.

His mother pushes him to appear in all the relevant entrance exams, and dutifully he does so. He passes them all with flying colours and top institutions in the state offer admissions. But on the very day they are scheduled to complete the admissions process at a top college, Shantanu is untraceable. His mother waits in vain at the admissions office, devastated as her dreams for their future slip out of her grasp. 

Caught between his own aspirations and social expectations, Shantanu meanwhile, has fled from home. He takes up residence in a district across the river, and a job as a delivery boy to support himself. He stays put for a few weeks while he thinks out the direction of his future. Mother and son thus live in the same state, with no contact whatsoever between them.

Fortunately, Shantanu finds his course in life, and returns a few weeks later. The absence of a father figure and role model in his life to provide seasoned counsel is stark. His choices clearly lack the experience of life. He enrolls in his favourite subject at a very ordinary college nearby. One college is as good as another, it is the subject that matters, he reasons in his inexperience. No quite, I say when I meet him. The equation is small pond versus big pond. A small place doesn't hold out too many opportunities for the future. In the work world, the value to a potential employer is the institution he graduates from, and bigger is better.

Children of fragmentary homes are alienated from society itself for no fault of their own. While unable to comprehend the trauma they have to go through, they internalize it. They feel the outsider, compelled to reinvent the wheel, to relearn things by trial and error. Society needs to be aware that many of its traditional practices are fast becoming obsolete. A change in social attitude to family reality is necessary eschewing the entrenchment in social inequality.

The attitude to middle age

Why tell everybody how old you are? My young European friend is bemused by what he perceives is the Indian obsession with ageing. The West obsesses too, but differently. For both peoples, perceptions derive from the traditional meaning given to life and living - with their modern twists. Tough it is to find common ground between the diverse cultures!

The West is focused on just one lifetime. They must achieve their destiny during it - today, rather than tomorrow, because finally and inevitably, death claims all. With life goals in sight, and limited time in hand, they work long and hard to improve skills throughout young adult life, and play hard as well. It is growing older that then presents problems. The face in their mirror they see changing, harbinger of the imminent, raises fears of the unknown. This is compounded by the tacit social bias against ageing.

They may become preoccupied with retaining youth to remain relevant. A great many go through lengths of excruciating pain repeatedly to preserve or create physical attractiveness, and prolong the fun of life with toy-boys and trophy wives. These seem patterns of repetitive behaviours, experiences of same old, same old, over and over again. The relentless pursuits of pleasure that blur or even remove boundaries between generations cannot and do not, however, change the final outcome.

 

Eastern philosophies, on the other hand, see life as a continuum, stretching over lifetimes. There is no end as such, death merely signals the beginning of a new spiral. There is hence little need to bother with achievements in this lifetime. The preference instead may be to leave matters to fate. It is far more important to build ties in the community, supporting family and lineage.

I try to explain to the Western mind the significance of age in India. It has to do with respect, for and between generations. Age defines the social boundary. Interpersonal communications too change accordingly. It is customary to use the formal form of address in speaking with the elderly. Younger generations bow down with respect before their experience of life, and in devotion, touch their feet to seek their blessings.

 

The traditional practice of community living is inherited from ancient Hindu rites. The individual lifespan is structured into four distinct stages. The first quarter is the brahmacharya, the studentship, wherein boys and girls gain knowledge and skills that will sustain them as they take their place in society in later life. The next quarter is grihasta, the householder, with marriage and living within the family structure, with spouse, children and extended family. Then comes vanaprastha, which literally means to head for the forest - I think of it as detaching from the personal accumulation of worldly possessions and giving back to the community. And finally, the sanyas stage that calls for tyag (renunciation), residing on a spiritual plane in anticipation of being freed of the present, preparatory to moving into future journeys.

The European is unimpressed with my lecture. The shortfalls of my personal experience, probably makes it all sound very theoretical. Furthermore, this common collective structuring is unacceptable to the concept of individual choice. With a quizzical look, he inquires, what about you? He is of the opinion that chronological age should be immaterial. What one feels, is instead more important. If one feels like 27, then that is it, no matter what the actual age is. That sounds a little bizarre to me. He asks what age I feel with.  I can’t say, since logically, if we are to have an age based on feelings/emotions, we must accommodate several other age types as well – physiological age, mental age, psychological age and spiritual age, which together make for more confusion! Because in each, we may be at a different age of being, and hence, which of them is it?

We are not sixteen any more, my classmate from college often reminds me.  She holds that we should not only accept the irrefutable, but also live by its traditions. Act our age and keep our dignity should be the guiding principle. She was a vivacious person in those days, but has since chosen conservatism as her hallmark. In public, she drapes in traditional saris and seriousness, because, as elders, it is our duty to maintain a distance between generations. Seems to me however, therein are elements of self-imposed isolation and loneliness. The elder might cling to the projected image, and pontificate rather than share details about their mistakes in life. Actually, as mentors and role models, they can be agents of change. Genuinely helping others find answers, they gain insight, about themselves as well.

The reality is that the ancient practice of community living is almost obsolete in this country, as self-interest grows more prominent. Extended community ties have faded, and the sense of family shrunk to the immediate household. Neither vanaprastha (giving back to community) nor sanyas (spiritual journey) is invested in. With nothing further to do in life, middle age now signals game over. Ageing parents are accessories to the lives of their grownup children – minding the household while others are at work, babysitting the grandchildren and so on. Senior citizens are apathetic about developing themselves further. Many a breakdown occurs post-retirement from the work or family organization identified with for decades. They give up on life itself, regressing into absolute dependency in old age.

My young friend’s objection to the word old may be its connotative association with decay. Ageing is a factual reminder of our mortality, but what is important is the attitude we cultivate in that knowledge. Overcome with negativity in middle age, we tend to become stagnative. Our fear of the unknown attenuates positivism in life. Our activities become repetitive, ritualistic. We fail to question, to search answers, or discover new fulfilling purpose for ourselves.

It is the attitude that counts. We need to break out of the fearful moulds that constrain us, and find ourselves again.  We need to give rein to our curiosity, to stimulate creative thought, and look forward to the re-experience of “Aha!” moments in breaking new ground. These replenish us; they make us upbeat, and we discover joyous meaning in life and living. Infused with its energy and enthusiasm, no, not at all old, we can be ageless.